Meeting life with radical acceptance
My natural inclination to resist anything that doesn't fit my narrative is something that I've worked on for years. I could be stubborn, resentful and combative when facing situations and circumstances that were less than ideal. This fiery element of my character is a part of me that, when left unchecked, can become destructive. I have done the work to get to know this trait, and I now easily recognise a healthy and unhealthy expression.
As my spiritual beliefs developed over the last decade, I cast my unrelenting obsession with trying to control under the spotlight for examination. When I came to an understanding that I don't run the show, I felt a great sense of relief. The beliefs that I formed meant I could more easily accept life on life's terms. So much began to flow for me from this space.
Last year I was allowed to deepen this belief and practice radical acceptance. The terms that life was throwing at me were not terms that I had imagined for myself; they were the opposite. They felt so inconvenient, and very quickly, my attitude began to sour, resentments brewed, and I was filling up with frustration and anger. I felt blocked, hemmed in, trapped. I was still managing to write a little for On Balance which was a trustworthy source of joy, and frequently my writing and research danced with the concepts of acceptance and letting go.
Still, here I was, clinging to an idea of what my life should be like, feeling bitter and resentful.
It was surprising to find myself there. I won't expand upon the situation's details as these are unimportant however what is important is that my perception of the problem was causing me pain and suffering. Then, one day after spending the morning moaning to a friend (the habit of moaning had crept back into my operating mode), the word surrender landed in my lap. I instantly knew what I had to do. In a moment, this word illuminated everything. I had fallen into a negative rut and finally understood how to get out of it. I had to practice radical acceptance.
I realised three things:
How I perceived this situation was causing me pain and suffering and that I have the ability to look at the situation differently.
There were elements to this situation that were currently beyond my control, but there were also aspects that I could take responsibility for and change.
I was angry about the circumstances in our society but wasn't doing anything to help.
Upon facing these realisations, I studied the situation and found a new perspective. Everything shifted for the better overnight; however, in full transparency, this approach wore off about three months later, and I had to go through this whole process again at the beginning of the year. Still, the motions were easier to find and implement this time. It is a practice rather than a solution.
Radical acceptance is a powerful tool; life is full of the unexpected, and understanding how to practice radical acceptance can prepare us to face the stickiest of circumstances. This approach is not about manipulating or blocking feelings and 'thinking positive'; this is not about accepting bad behaviour or social injustice. Of course, there is an element of stoicism, but self-compassion is required alongside. As Katherine May, author of Wintering, so perfectly puts it:
"If we don't allow ourselves the fundamental honesty of our own sadness, then we miss an important cue to adapt. We seem to be living in an age when we're bombarded with entreaties to be happy, but we're suffering from an avalanche of depression. We're urged to stop sweating the small stuff, yet we're chronically anxious. I often wonder if these are just normal feelings that become monstrous when they're denied. A great deal of life will always suck. There will be moments when we're riding high and moments when we can't bear to get out of bed. Both are normal. Both in fact require a little perspective."
The phrase radical acceptance was coined by psychologist Marsha Linehan, who created DBT for people with borderline personality disorder. Watch her talk about this here. You can link the theory behind it to Buddhist teachings on acceptance and non-attachment. It is seen as a way to reframe your perception of a situation or feeling to enable life to flow even when things are hard. It's an allowing presence of what is. It is not a tool for bypassing uncomfortable or painful experiences but an opportunity to courageously acknowledge the actuality and move through with an awakened mind and a reverence for life.
“We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more in imagination than in reality.” – Seneca
Our understanding of emotions can shape how we practice radical acceptance. Our last essay, 'The Relationship Between Thoughts and Emotions,' is illuminating regarding how you understand emotions. It can bring to question how you believe emotions come to be, whether or not you can control them or if you want to. You can begin to build your radical self-acceptance practice from this knowledge.
What do you believe emotions to be?
Emotional granularity is needed too. When you feel something, really ask yourself what exactly you are feeling. What sort of fear? What kind of anxiety? Work on your emotional vocabulary.
When you think that something isn't fair, I don't deserve this, or this wasn't supposed to happen, a radical acceptance practice could help.
Below are some questions you could incorporate into your practice.
What is the feeling you're feeling? Name it carefully. Question around it until you're sure
Where does this feeling come from?
What are my beliefs about this situation?
Where did these beliefs come from?
Are these beliefs helpful?
How can I reframe my judgements and beliefs?
What needs to be felt?
How can I feel it?
Can this situation be changed?
What is beyond your control?
What work needs to be done to accept this, emotional or otherwise?
This is my life. How do I make something of it?
How does this not look hopeless?
What does my reality require me to do?
Please note -
If you are suffering from depression, these practices can feel so out of reach. I know that in the depths of my depression, no amount of rational understanding of a concept would help me change anything. Professional help and support are needed in the first instance, and if you require guidance on where to seek help, please reach out.