Ambiguous Loss Part 1
At the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic I found myself in a lot of conversations about ambiguous loss. My role as a mental health practitioner brought me new challenges in helping people understand and process pain. It was a confusing time. We were all facing the same foe, but each individual’s journey and challenges were unique. Now that we are coming upon a year of isolation, loneliness, inner conflict and anxiety, I feel it is a good time to revisit the topic, and remember some of the lessons and learnings that have gotten us much farther than we all thought ourselves capable, in spite of a year of ambiguous loss.
Firstly, let’s understand ambiguous loss, and what makes it so difficult. The term was coined by Pauline Boss in the 1970s who started her work with the wives of pilots missing in action (MIA) from the Vietnam War. She continued her research and practice helping families of veterans who developed Alzheimer’s disease, in Kosovo working with families where members had been kidnapped, and in Japan where loved ones were washed away in a Tsunami. What unites all of these tragedies is ambiguity. It is loss with no closure. It is loss with not knowing. It is loss where the thing you are grieving is untenable and invisible. In addition to natural disasters & war, miscarriages, addictions, dementia & brain injuries are the types of situations that present us with ambiguous loss.
This is the type of loss we have all experienced, chronically, over the course of the past year. There are the obvious losses—babies that grandparents have not met, prom dresses that hang in the closet unworn, milestone vacations cancelled, weddings postponed, parties not held and funerals watched on youtube, at a distance, with no hugs or shared space to comfort the grieving. More subtly, the daily losses are uncountable. Kids being carefree on a playground, or raucously chasing each other around a classroom, casual conversation with our co-workers at the copy machine or running into a neighbour at the local coffee shop… These are the daily interactions that allow us to feel connected. These little things make us feel like we are a part of a community. So how do we grieve these losses that are subtle, invisible, and seemingly unending? The pandemic will end, but we will not get back our lost time. How will we heal with no closure? In this first part of our two part series on ambiguous loss, we will look to radical acceptance, thinking in dualities, and creating your psychological family as modes to reinforce and heal our psyches.
Tolerating ambiguity stands in stark contrast with how modern western society operates. In the face of the unknown, we like to focus on mastery over acceptance. If there is a problem, we want to solve it. If there is an unknown, we want to know. Success is measured in accomplishments. Status is determined by productivity. Lack of access to the aforementioned causes anxiety. A healing concept in our solution-focused world can be borrowed from dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT), which strengthens people through dialectics. When there are factors beyond our control, it is important to mindfully guide ourselves back to acceptance as strength, rather than mastery. “Radical acceptance” means accepting what we cannot change, without judgement. Simply said, some things just “are what they are.” This acceptance allows us to acknowledge our pain, and work through challenging realities without turning our pain into suffering. Rather than worrying about what might happen, or how the pandemic will progress, accepting what we can’t control can mindfully refocus our energy on what we can control, and how we will best care for ourselves in a tenuous situation.
Resilience in the face of ambiguity involves the ability to hold two or more opposing ideas in our minds at the same time. If we stay in absolute, rigid, or “black and white” thinking, we miss opportunities to expand our meaning, build resilience, and ultimately empathise with others when they handle a difficult situation differently than we would. So, in a situation that feels painful, and difficult emotions arise, challenging ourselves to think two different ways about it can often bring understanding and peace. For an example, I can be both jealous that vaccinated friend can travel, and happy for them at the same time. I can be both exhausted and frustrated by working from home, and grateful that I have a way to provide for my family. I can be both disappointed with a friend’s decision to socialise, and understand that both their situation, and their risk tolerance is very different from mine. All of these things, even those that stand in contrast to one another, can exist in the same psychological space.
Another healing concept regarding our psychological space is that of our psychological family. Within our families, it is pretty obvious who the members are—it can be defined by who is living in the house, or some other concrete structure. Our psychological family however, is an internal compilation. Your psychological family can be comprised of anyone you like. Some members might not be alive. Some members might be alive, but not emotionally available to you due to an illness or addiction. Some members might not be biologically related to you, but they will all be special and unique to you. While we are forced to be distant, physically or emotionally from those who are special to us, creating your psychological family, and holding these people in a special place in your heart, is important for your connection to them. We can honour and love these special people in many ways. Make a playlist of music that reminds you of them, or good times had together. Go through old photos, or change up the photos that are displayed in your home. Make a favourite recipe of theirs. Google map the places they grew up to get a visual for streets they walked, and vistas that would have been in their view. There are many ways to keep people close to our hearts that do not involve having contact with them.
For those of us who are fortunate and privileged enough to survive, healing from this pandemic will be multi-faceted, and will not be easy. I hope the ideas discussed in this essay are concepts that you can hold in your mind. Although these ideas will not bring closure, they may bring peace, and will be strengthened by the notion that soon, we can do this together.
Sources:
Loss, Trauma & Resilience: Therapeutic work with Ambiguous Loss by Pauline Boss