How To Be Of Service
What does it mean to be of service, and why is it important? I first heard the phrase ‘to be of service’ in my 12 step fellowship several years ago. To this day, I still believe that 12 step fellowships are so powerful because of the service element. There is no money exchanged in 12 step work, just contributions to the group’s running. There is no one person in charge; instead, there are elected service positions, and the group works together to solve or decide anything. This self-organisation is a part of recovery; being involved in a collaborative decision-making process can be very triggering and bring out all sorts of character traits. Being a part of this process is complex and demonstrative of the areas of self that need more inner work. 12 steps groups are not flawless, but I see it as close to perfect as a framework. It has certainly brought the idea of being of service into other areas of my life.
The wellness and well-being industry is heaving with self-love slogans, but you rarely see acts of kindness touted as the new route to mental and physical well-being. So I guess it is harder to sell this idea.
Is it still an act of service when carried out with the deeper understanding that the very act will also be a salve for you? I would argue that it is. Sometimes we have to act ‘as if’ until something becomes part of us before something develops as a habit and way of being. There is nothing wrong with acts of service or kindness carried out with the understanding of the mutual benefits.
Are we born with a sense of kindness and helpfulness? We helped and worked together in evolutionary terms because it meant a greater chance of survival. We would begin with helping our relatives, and our helpfulness and cooperation would extend outwards from there. Culture, school, and parenting are essential determinants of collaboration. Thus, the degree to which we act cooperatively or selfishly is unique and hinges on various genetic and environmental influences.
At face value, being kind doesn’t appear to benefit the individual. If we look at the rich, famous, and influential of our planet and scroll deeply through their history, we can quickly see that selfish greed has served them. It cannot be another way; how can you be kind and sit with those levels of wealth and power and do the bare minimum with it whilst swathes of the population suffer on every level. However, we would instead look within our communities and put those people to one side for this essay.
The basic groundwork required for being effectively ‘of service.’
Your levels of well-being are an essential factor when it comes to being of service to others. The saying ‘you must fit your oxygen mask first’ applies here. This doesn’t mean that everything in your inner and outer world must be perfect, but it requires you to have a level of awareness of where you are on your well-being journey. There are times when we need to ask for help rather than give. You might already be of service in many ways, and for now, that might be all that you can handle. Parents are of service to their children; you might be of service to your elderly relatives or helping your partner who is going through something. Checking in with yourself is an essential first step when we look to increase our helping behaviours. Towards the end of this essay, we offer a light inventory for you to take, which should illuminate your set of circumstances.
Digital vs IRL community
Our digital communities are where we spend a large portion of our daily time. Please take a look at your screen time report; I would guess that there are a few hours a day spent on social networks. But how can we be of service online and amongst our digital communities?
We follow people who are like us. The information we receive is tailored to what we already believe. Who we follow is an extension of us. We don’t often see diverse opinions or circumstances within our curated feeds, which leads me to discuss virtue signalling. Social media activism is a powerful tool but only when used effectively. Otherwise, it falls into the virtue signalling category. Virtue signalling is the sharing of one’s point of view on a social or political issue, often on social media, to garner praise or acknowledgement of one’s righteousness from others who share that point of view or to passively rebuke those who do not. When we choose to share or repost media stories that we feel passionate about, how effective is that use of time and energy and if we are preaching to the converted, could it negatively impact us? The act of sharing could feel as though we have done something to help, so we do not bother to take further action.
It is possible for virtue-signalling to be based on genuine feelings and beliefs, even if the primary motivation is to signal virtue to others. In addition, it’s possible for behaviour motivated by the desire to signal virtue to lead to meaningful positive outcomes, regardless of whether it’s disingenuous. A couple of questions to ask before using social media to share your views on a political or social issue:
Am I saying or doing this primarily to display my good moral values to others?
Are my statements or actions disingenuous, such as in that I haven’t made a meaningful positive impact concerning what’s being discussed?
We can use social media as a space to be of service, but you must be conscious of the time spent on the platforms and the energy that you put into it. Things that you can do to have a positive impact:
Share your charitable donations
Share petitions that you are actively involved in
Like and comment on small businesses posts
Reach out to friends if you notice they are sharing something sensitive and might need someone to talk to
Can you think of any more?
Your energy and actions would be best placed within the communities you live, work or engage with regularly. You can volunteer to work with young people in need, the elderly, local schools, churches, small businesses, mental health charities, local events that bring people together, fundraising, and helping the homeless. There are many ways to be of service, and the main thing is starting somewhere. We do have the time; it is about priorities. Not all of us will be in the space to be of service but keeping in mind that this is a meaningful way to participate in life is essential. Sometimes we need to accept help, and other times we can be of service. Keeping this beneficial cycle under review is necessary as our life circumstances are ever-changing.
Why We Keep Walking
I wanted to look into our attitudes towards homelessness as personally, having spent many years in London, I have walked past numerous homeless people and not done a thing. I volunteered for a short while at a homeless shelter, but my attitude and life choices at the time meant that I soon dropped out. So how does this happen? How do we become so insensitive? How can we keep walking?
We have been conditioned to perceive the homeless population. And I imagine most would loathe admitting this, but due to this conditioning, many of us harbour a kind of disgust, a judgement and fear that the homeless person could do something to us - a dehumanisation. It wasn’t until I worked for Rhythms of Life that I realised how close we all are to homelessness, and it wasn’t until my 12 step work that I began to understand addictions. If we have never been close to the edge, it is hard for us to understand what the edge looks like, how it feels and what it takes to come back from.
We might offer a homeless person something, but it usually is something that we decide is suitable and frequently without asking what they need and without any level of connection. Fear of embarrassment can stop us from being of service; if we knew how a situation would turn out, we’d be much more likely to help. But, of course, we never know how a problem will turn out, so being able to help in situations unknown to us is a skill worth learning and then practising.
With every decision we make, it is good to be conscious when we make it! So ask yourself, how do I want to respond to homelessness, individuals I pass, and the charities that help them? Work out your strategy, something that feels right to you. If you decide that you don’t have the space to do anything meaningful right now, then don’t spend your time feeling bad about that; this would be a waste of your energy. Instead, find ways to bring more space and mental resilience back into your life to allow yourself to move towards helping others.
When helping isn’t helpful
Empathy is the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes. Empathy is a precursor to helping behaviours. It is essential that we can understand the difference between empathy and projection. Just because we can use our imagination to place ourselves in someone else’s shoes does not mean we know what they need. Likewise, just because we have been in a similar situation does not mean we know what they need. The very best things that we can cultivate on our path to being of service are:
Active listening skills
Clear communication skills
Effective management of our expectations
Suppose you can ask questions without fear of embarrassment or saying the wrong thing; if you can then listen to the answer and not hear what you want to, that is the beginning of being of service. If you can then be of service and help in the required way rather than the way you believe to be best, that is active service.
What if you don’t achieve the outcome that you had in mind. That shouldn’t matter if your act of service is coming from the right place. You are not here to change or fix anyone. Let go of the need to control a situation, listen, and be helpful within your means and boundaries.
When we help others, our brains emit three chemicals, often referred to as the happiness trifecta:
Serotonin (produces intense feelings of well-being)
Dopamine (intensifies motivation)
Oxytocin (increases a sense of connection to others)
With these strong chemicals at play, it is crucial to continually return to the intention of the helping behaviour; otherwise, helping others can become an unhelpful and addictive pursuit of and within itself. We must not get our self–worth from external validation, which is why the WHY is always important—ensuring that our worth, ego and person are not at the centre of the helping behaviour.
The key to a meaningful life
The idea that helping others is the key to a meaningful life has been around for thousands of years. For example, Aristotle wrote that finding happiness and fulfilment is achieved “by loving rather than in being loved.”
Recent research has provided evidence to support the idea that helping others goes hand in hand with meaningfulness. It’s not just that people who have already found their purpose in life enjoy giving back. Instead, helping others can create the sense of meaning we’re seeking. Rather than ruminating on what makes our life worthwhile as we work toward burnout, we can find the answer outside ourselves, in human connection.
Giving helps us feel more connected to others, which imbues our lives with a sense of meaning.
Finally, being of service to others doesn’t need to be complicated. You can start in a way that works for you. Small and daily acts of kindness are a good foundation; even having the awareness that you would like to start thinking of and helping others is a good beginning. Understanding how you add layers into your life and then making a start.
ETQ Inventory
How am I of service already in my life?
Where do I receive help?
Have I ever received help or advice that I didn’t want or need?
How did that feel?
Which causes are close to my heart?
How am I involved in my communities, both digital and IRL?
Have I got the capacity to give more?
How would I like to start?
If you don’t have the capacity, what will you do to bring more space into your life? Are there some priorities that need shifting?
Do you see all humans as equal?
Can you see that everyone is or was someone's child?
How would you like to take action if you come across someone in distress?
Can you help without adding your expectations?
Can you help without judgement?
How does it feel to be of service?